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How Our Son Earned His Nickname by Carol Wells

Children sometimes have an uncanny talent for reminding others of their presence at inopportune moments. Carol's son is no exception having this innocent ability that may be merely "bad timing", sheer coincidence, or perhaps he has a quirky sixth sense?

One evening a television show, known for covering celebrity gossip, uncharacteristically reported about a new scientific study. A male reporter informed viewers that having sex, at least three times a week, possibly produced, besides children, side health benefits! Release of endorphins, during intercourse, theorized helpful in warding off flu and colds while also strengthening heart muscles.

Now, wishing to remain a somewhat healthy woman, I instructed my then three-year-old son to watch this segment. Why? We have a nickname for him at particular times: Mr. Birth Control.

We had little choice but to suspect, shortly after his birth, that our son does not want younger siblings. Warm bottles before bed and toys in the crib proved ineffective deterrents as he always managed to prevent his father and I from even considering the idea of 'staying in practice'. Sleet, snow, rain, hail, nor trying to slip in a 3 a.m. rendezvous under the covers thwarted this child's so-called radar.

Time had come for a mother and son talk. Silently hoping those parenting experts were right, about talking to a child as I would talk to another adult. Although I felt silly talking a baby cooing in response from a bouncy seat while I explained that I felt he snagged the last egg. Even if he had not, and I still had one lurking around, the notion of experiencing labor pains again definitely not a part of my future plans.

None of this open and honest discussion apparently made any difference as that radar of his remained on stand-by mode prepared to alert him. We have tried different times, waited until he was asleep for a few hours, and even turned on the radio to cover any potential noise or talking from our room with the same results every time. I wonder if we just have to be patient, until I go through the change of life, and the radar system will shut down due to the threat of a sibling ceases being a possibility.

My husband and I are not teen-agers, so the thrill of sneaking around lacks the same euphoria of yore. Nor is it that we are oversexed although, occasionally, it would be fun to pretend we were. However, it is not a romantic setting when a child is demanding attention from the other side of the bedroom door. My husband could set out hundreds of candles to create a soft romantic glow around a bed sprinkled with rose petals but I would still hear the child tugging at the door handle and yelling for attention.

He, the child, would succeed - my attention diverted solely being on him even if he does stay out of the room. A parent's sexual wants or needs is something a child, even when older, would prefer thinking his parents never experienced or knew about existing. This way, in 10 to 15 years, he can honestly try to claim that we as parents do not understand. At least, that may be a hopeful part of the plan.

It is less romantic, if you forget to lock the bedroom door, and suddenly sense you are not alone. I know, in earlier times, young children slept in the same room with their parents and it did not 'dampen the mood' for the adults. I mean, I know my grandparents did this and wound up having nine children! I just do not feel comfortable with the idea even if the child is under the age of three - so much for being 'old-fashioned'.

When our son crawls into bed with us, it is not to lie on one side or the other. Not Mr. Birth Control! He has to be right smack dab in the middle of the bed between both parents. We stopped trying to put him to one side or the other; wrestling with a greased pig at the state fair would be more productive as we were only delaying the inevitable.

Looking down the hallway, as I write this, to where my son is sleeping I am silently wagering the TV show's segment did not help. If the aspect of having healthier parents cannot persuade him into changing that dang radar's setting, what will? I might as well start stocking up on Kleenex® because I have a feeling that my husband and I can look forward to another winter season of coughs and sneezes due to Mr. Birth Control and that damnable radar of his.

Humorous Book Recommendations:             [ view all ]
Pillow Talk: The Intimate Marriage from A to Z
[Karen Scalf Linamen; 272 pages]
Funny yet insightful book on the topic of marriage. Newlyweds and-or those getting ready to celebrate their 25 year anniversary, can you relate?

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Humor Is Relative thanks Cay Dickson, from Houston Chronicle, for the compliment!

Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor [The Observer 'Sayings of the Week', August 16, 1987]

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Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception.
-- Alan Bennett Getting It On

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I am ninety-five. I still chase girls but I can't remember why.
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