... where family is the source of humor!

Open Letter To Part Of My Household by Carol Wells

Sometimes one has to have the courage to admit faults. This letter is for a part of Carol's household that may feel a bit neglected lately.

Dear Furniture,
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt honored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.

Agonized groans now come deep from recesses of the couch as its springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions' breath, about something to do with soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have saturated into the fabrics and padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.

Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces to be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I crochet doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.

My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative pulled hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero's attempt at "flying". I have noticed their silent retaliation of acting wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.

I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother's and, later, my parents' home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son's creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the tot's attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is shunning me since it is reportedly Amish made.

Then, along our dining room wall, resides a Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be more six moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous tic.

In the corner of the living a rocking chair sits as it, literally, fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of Potty Training. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.

I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its' shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky - along with a couple of other pieces from our past.

Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my blanket apology to all the household furnishings.

With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue pampering. I will buy some Murphy's® Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their cares and feel rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.

I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and show off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child's discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.

Humbly Yours,
Carol

P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I realize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution - just for you.

Humorous Book Recommendations:             [ view all ]
Free Chairs[John Sheirer; 224 pages]
Did you enjoy the excerpt, Stepfather Once Removed, from Free Chairs? Then you may be interested in reading John's other heart-warming and thought-provoking essays contained in this collection! Can you relate?

A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Humor Is Relative
WebSite Primer
... or Search The Web

To know what is right and not to do it is the worse cowardice.
-- Confucius

Think you have a funny story about your family, or moments in parenting, that our readers may enjoy? Review Humor Is Relative submissions guidelines & submit your story! Who knows, we just may like it!

People who wrestle with their consciences usually go for two falls out of three.
-- Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Meet Humor Is Relative's contributing writers!

I have faults but being wrong isn't one of them.
-- Jimmy Hoffa