... where family is the source of humor!

Your Parents Will Catch On If You Don't Watch Out! by Carol Wells

Parents deserve a couple of hours to themselves. They line up a sitter for the children then go out to spend some time with other adults or for a bit of solitude. Until their return, a brief respite from their parental roles.

Seven years separate my brother and I in age, with me the younger of the two. This age difference became a hindrance, as my brother grew older as while he could be left alone while our parents were out for an hour or two, I was not. However, my parents also did not feel he was yet old enough to babysit.

Thus enters my babysitter, a petite older woman in her late 60's, barely five feet in height and waspishly thin, named Mrs. Morris. She would arrive on my father's arm dressed as if attending a special occasion in our household versus babysitting for an 8 year old. Mrs. Morris also had a penchant for basketball and she would watch any Indiana University or Pacer games aired on television. Such an avid fan of this sport she could tune out anything until commercial breaks or half time.

My brother eventually saw a plus side to having a sports fan as a babysitter.

He would con me to stay away from his bedroom by slipping me treats. However, he would first trick me to go to my bedroom before handing over these marvelous goodies. "Now, Carol, you stay in here ... or else."

I never asked "Or else what?" Perfectly content with the contraband to waste time to test out what the "or else" may be or how he would even know if I did stick my nose out of my bedroom.

After I was, per se, out of the way my brother launched into Phase Two. He would stroll out casually to the family room, where Mrs. Morris would be crocheting to the beat of the basketball players dribbling the ball up and down the court with the announcer's voice excitedly sharing each move the players made. The more excited the announcer talked, the slower her needle would go as she leaned forward to watch the action more closely. When the excitement abated, her needle would gradually resume speed. My brother would sit on the loveseat for a short while, 15 minutes to half an hour, to watch part of the game with her.

"Oh my," he would say casually while doing a slightly exaggerated stretch or yawn. "I think I will call it a night...." Mrs. Morris nodded her head in acknowledgement - as she had in the past when he told her this bit of news.

This routine worked in his favor to perfection for approximately two months.

One evening, he went to bed. Mrs. Morris enchanted by the basketball game. A friend of his called, Mrs. Morris thought she would see if my brother was asleep yet or not since it had been only a few minutes after he told her goodnight. After getting no response to her knocks on his door, she informed my brother's friend to call the next day.

My parents arrived home around 11 o'clock, Mrs. Morris told them all went well and that we were both asleep. While my father helped with her coat, Mrs. Morris expressed concern about my brother. "He has become such a sound sleeper," she shared. "I called out his name while knocking on his door ... but not a peep out of him. I think he is overworking himself, is he doing all right at school?"

My mother replied that my brother appeared to be doing fine at school - friendship wise and class wise. "Oh well, perhaps it is a phase."

The next time Mrs. Morris babysat for us, the same routine went into action by my brother. Some contraband treats handed over to my hands, in exchange to stay in my room, and Mrs. Morris became engrossed watching a televised Indiana University basketball game while he called it an early night.

Only this time my parents came home early. My father took Mrs. Morris home then parked the car in the garage. My mother went to bed ... in my brother's bedroom. My father sat down in the family room to watch the rest of the game.

Around 15 minutes before the time my parents originally said they would be home, a creak then a sliding noise broke the silence with a slight grunt of exertion following as my brother entered the dark room through a window.

He hurriedly undressed and started to climb into bed when he felt something too warm and too firm to be pillows. Caught red-handed, my brother shared how he and a pal discovered my mother's station wagon, when driven in reverse, could remove mileage. A hidden perk in some cars of the 1960's to early 1970's and envied by many a sneaky teen-age boy whose parents did not own a similarly hidden talent-filled vehicle.

Nights that my parents went out my brother would slip out of the house and push the car off the driveway before starting the engine so Mrs. Morris would not hear. He would then pick up some friends for a few spins around town.

Since our father tried to keep track of the mileage, my brother would drive in reverse around a local grade school to remove most of the added miles. His confession explained why my father could never keep an accurate average on the gas mileage for my mother's car. Sometimes my brother came just shy or overshot the original odometer setting,

All would have gone well for this scheme until a phone call raised concern on Mrs. Morris' mind. If curious, after all these years later my brother can still drive fairly decently in reverse ... due to all the prior training he snuck in.

Humorous Book Recommendations:             [ view all ]
Running With Scissors
[Augusten Burroughs; 320 pages]
Who could write about a childhood where you were abandoned by your mother and victimized by a pedophile and still manage to find some humor in those dark times? Augusten will have readers laughing while gasping in shock while reading this raw and revealing memoir about his childhood.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.
-- Dorothy Parker

Humor Is Relative
WebSite Primer
... or Search The Web

Humor Is Relative thanks Cay Dickson, from Houston Chronicle, for the compliment!

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck

Think you have a funny story about your family, or moments in parenting, that our readers may enjoy? Review Humor Is Relative submissions guidelines & submit your story! Who knows, we just may like it!

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
-- John Updike Assorted Prose

Meet Humor Is Relative's contributing writers!