Flour Babies by Catharine Bramkamp
Having children presents us, as parents, with cherished memories. Our children one day will present us with grandchildren. Not many of us, though, are ready to hide our concern over our children prospective roles as parents; particularly when our child is in a Life Skills course at the local junior high school.
At our local Junior High School, into every seventh grader's life a Flour Baby appears. A little bundle of joy, not from heaven, but from science class. Flour babies are used as a hands on tutorial to demonstrate to seventh graders what it is really like to take care for a real baby 24/7 for a whole week. The Flour Baby my Twelve-Year-Old cared for ended up being very Miss Behaved. We feel this came from the grandmother.
Friday afternoon: Enthusiastic twelve-year-old calls mother at work to remind her to purchase a five pound bag of flour, nothing more, nothing less, and does she know where to get the flour? The Miss Behaved mother retorts that yes, she knows where to get the flour, she knows all about five pound bags of flour and in fact didn't realize flour came in any larger amounts as in her kitchen, a five pound bag of flour usually lasts about two years.
Later that same Friday afternoon: Mother picks up the bag of flour out of the baking aisle in the store that also displays shelves of bread mix and many different flavors of cake mixes. Well who knew? Mother wishes, briefly, that picking out a real child was this simple.
Saturday: Twelve-Year-Old is delighted with new baby, immediately wraps the "head" and "bottom" of the baby in gray duct tape explaining that this is okay to do but you can't wrap the whole baby as that would be silly, wrapping a whole baby in duct tape. The duct tape is supposed to keep the baby from leaking. Mother is not sure that teaching children to duct tape babies is the best idea but does not comment since she doesn't want her Flour Baby to be the only one at school without duct tape. Peer pressure is a very real concern for Flour Babies.
Mother comments that her babies weighed in at 7 pounds at birth so the heavy lifting aspect of this project is not entirely accurate. Twelve-Year-Old patiently explains that some people were assigned a ten-pound bag of flour and another hapless friend was assigned twins.
Sunday afternoon: Mother suggests she take photos of the baby for the grandma album. Suggests taking pictures of the flour bag in the tub "Baby's first bath"; at the playground in the baby swing "Baby's first trip to the park"; in the grocery cart. "Baby's first trip to the store."
Older sibling is appalled at the very idea and retreats to her room to call four friends. Twelve-Year-Old patiently explains that photographing the baby is not part of the assignment, and in fact, didn't even make the top ten in the extra credit list. And so, Mother can cut it out.
Mother is resigned that this will not be as much fun as she hoped.
Monday morning: For Baby's first day at school, the Twelve-Year-Old borrows mom's best hat to put on the duct taped head . Laments that mother hasn't saved baby clothes. Mother points out that they needed to make room for the video game equipment.
Twelve-Year-Old pulls out content of linen closet, rejects all the options and leaves them in a pile in the middle of the living room floor. Defaults to his own pillowcase from own pillow. Finds a large safety pin . Wrestles with the large pin and the large amount of material commenting that the teacher says that if they puncture the baby it's five points off.
Mother worries about Twelve-Year-Old puncturing self. Hopes there isn't the same system for real babies, as she would be working in large negative numbers at by this time.
Tuesday night: For extra credit the Twelve-Year-Old needs to create a birth certificate for the baby. The Flour Baby is a girl, named after mom. Mother is flattered but wishes her namesake showed a little more spunk, but then it's difficult to read expressions under all that duct tape. On the birth certificate under "State of" mother writes in "shock". Assures Twelve-Year-Old that the teacher will understand.
Wednesday morning: Twelve-Year-Old admits that Flour Baby moonlighted as a football and was tossed back and forth during a game. Was dropped twice, but it was on the grass. Reports that the duct tape is holding up well.
Wednesday afternoon: Twelve-Year-Old is really tired of dragging the baby around during school, even if there is a "nursery" in the science class. There are points off if you hurt another Flour Baby. Makes comments about baking the Flour Baby into bread and claiming that the baby is just "loafing around". Mother wonders when this developmental stage will be over, as it resembles the knock- knock joke phase, in a bad way.
Thursday: Mother straps the Flour Baby into the big plush baby seats attached to the Target shopping carts because they weren't invented yet when the mother had a baby that size. Twelve-Year-Old goes along with the madness for exactly seven seconds, then snatches the Flour Baby out of the cart and abandons both the cart and the mother as quickly as possible by disappearing into the housewares aisle forcing the mother to shop for hangers alone. Not the same.
Friday: Child in tears, has forgotten baby on the bus ride home. By the time Mother arrives home from work, the baby has seen more of the world than the Twelve-Year-Old. Mother visualizes calling the publicport lost and found and asking, "have you found a five pound sack of flour wearing a hat?" Decides to purchases a new baby instead. Tries to remember if it was unbleached and enriched or just enriched flour. Is pretty sure the duct tape will hide evidence.
Saturday: Twelve-Year-Old spends the night with friends. The child assures mother that the group will build a nursery for the flour babies. Mother has secretly photographed the Flour Baby by the side of the pool "Baby's first swim".
Sunday: Mother picks up child from friend's house, nursery is a nice dark safe area behind a bed. Mother hopes a representative from Flour Baby Protective Services is not lurking around.
Twelve Year Old shares that another parent accidentally left a Flour Baby on top of the car and drove away. The ensuing explosion covered seven mail boxes with white flour. Everyone was quite impressed.
Monday afternoon: Apparently there is a peer ritual for the end of the Flour Baby session in which the flour babies are hurled repeatedly into the school courtyard on their duct taped heads. Mother is met with remains of Flour Baby in a zip lock bag tossed onto the kitchen counter.
All mother has left are the photographs. She is sorry she didn't get one of "baby's last bus ride."
The Twelve Year Old in question has requested permanent anonymity and has hidden the photo album.
About This Story's Author:
Catharine Bramkamp is a freelance writer who also works full time, keep track (for the most part) of two teenage boys and manage to stay married. "Flour Baby" is an excerpt shared from the self-published book "Being Miss Behaved." She is happy to share, "The flour baby project worked and my son doesn't think that even at 14 he wants a baby. I'm naturally thrilled."
Humor Is Relative's Top 12 Popular Stories:
Being Miss Behaved: Humorous Essays For The Politically Incorrect
[Catharine Bramkamp; 201 pages]
After enjoying excerpts, such as Flour Babies and Dressing Like an 8th Grader, shared here at Humor Is Relative - why not order the book to read more! Catharine will have you laughing and shaking your head with her Miss Behaved essays. Can you relate?
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