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Stuff by James Collins

James, our first male contributor, shares an interesting male point of view on the female point of view about ... well, stuff. Yoo-hoo! All you guys out there reading this ... can you relate?

My wife once accused me, as I was searching through my third toolbox of having too much "stuff". This observation initiated a rather lively discussion on the particulars of "stuff", such as what it is, how did it get here and why I happen to have so much of it. After studying her in our years of marriage, I wish to offer the guidelines on what the various categories of "stuff".

Her Stuff: Anything she likes.

Your Stuff: Anything that she hates

Cutesy Stuff: Anything that has been "cutified". This process consists of taking something with no redeeming economic value, such as twigs, grass or flowers, andforming it into something else of no practical use.

Precious Stuff: Cutesy stuff that is usually designed by your five year old out of an old tin can, about four gallons of Elmer's glue, gold paint, and macaroni.

Important Stuff: Things, usually found in various rooms, that have absolutely no useful ability whatsoever to a human being. Kind of like a cat but costing more. Examples are baskets you cannot use to put anything in, candles you cannot light (even during a major snowstorm and the power has been out for fifteen days), pillows that are never to be lied upon and certain other things, such as good furniture.

Donation Stuff: This is typically anything you once owned but she can somehow, in her mind, connect it to either some hobby she dislikes or it reminds her of one of your old girlfriends.

Stupid Stuff: Same as "Your Stuff"

Tacky Stuff: Stuff that she saw at someone else's house.

Darling Stuff: Same stuff as above, but now it's at your house.

Kid's Stuff: Stuff typically found on the floor that, at least at some time in its existence, was under the control and direction of a child. Generally these objects, such as clothes strewn across several rooms or legos strategically placed for maximum feet piercing potential, are easily identifiable. But others, such as a clump of dust, may be your four year old's most precious belonging.

Garage Stuff: A tricky one here, some people actually think that your car is one of these. Nope, car is "Driveway Stuff" because there is no room in the garage for a car. "Garage Stuff" usually consists of "Your Stuff" as aition to "Donation Stuff" and is also a repository for "Kid Stuff".

Driveway Stuff: Usually your car and at 3:00am when you remember it, kid stuff.

Christmas Stuff: The bottom box of something packed at least 6 high, but only if it's Christmas.

Wrong Stuff: The box you brought in.

Friend's New Stuff: It doesn't really matter, but for some reason it will require a one hour conference on the phone to discuss each and every piece.

My "stuff" is typically acquired at sporting goods, hardware and toy stores.

Her "stuff" is procured at a "Party", which may have other surnames, such as "candle", "stamping" and "decorating". The "lingerie" party, as I have been informed, is apparently a myth. Organized by a group of women, each piece is made over and proclaimed as either "pretentious" or "indispensable" depending upon an intricate relationship issue with the person who refers to it first and how badly it does not match anything else in the house.

Referring to a party in anything other than with complete and utter holistic reverence is a sure ticket to the sofa. And may God help you if it's her party.

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I never see any home cooking. All I get is fancy stuff.
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