My Father-In-Law by Jim Spence
Jim, the second male writer to join Humor Is Relative's ranks, shares an amusing story about his father-in-law. What happens when your father-in-law loves wrestling and you happen to luck into ringside seats at a wrestling match? If it is appearing here, then you know the answer. "Humor!"
My father-in-law Eddie was a mere snippet of a man. Barely standing five feet tall, and somewhat of a recluse, he was a quiet man. He seldom left the house. He didn't attend any of his children's weddings - I even gave away my sister-in-law at her wedding.
It wasn't for any malicious intent, that's just the way he was.Eddie loved two things without reservation in his life - the Dallas Cowboys and professional wrestling. I grew up as a Dallas Cowboy fan, but every Thanksgiving I would find myself cheering against them, just to get my father-in-law's goat.
He also loved professional wrestling, mainly because he refused to believe that it was fake. He thought it was real.
When my wife and I were first married, I was looking for a way to get into my father-in-law's graces, when, as luck would have it, a professional wrestling tournament came to the Civic Center. Now, as I said earlier, Eddie seldom left the house, but, much to my surprise, when I asked him if he'd like to go, he jumped at the chance.
We got to the Civic Center about an hour early, since I didn't have tickets yet, and I knew that it would be crowded. If you've never been to a professional wrestling match, you really should go ... not for the wrestling, but for the crowd -- eight to ten thousand people, wearing their favorite wrestler's tee shirts and screaming their heads off. I've been to rock concerts that weren't as loud.
As we were approaching the arena, a man walked up to us and offered to sell us two tickets; it seems his son and daughter-in-law had cancelled on him. Looking at the line of hundreds of people waiting to buy tickets, I accepted his offer and bought the tickets.
Turns out these two tickets were fourth row, ringside, seats one and two, right by the aisle where the "bad" guys enter and leave the ring. If you know anything about professional wrestling, you know that the wrestlers are divided into two groups - good guys and bad guys. I gave Eddie seat one.
The matches went on. The crowd was loud and boisterous. My father-in-law had a royal time. He was really enjoying himself.
About an hour into the match, Eddie's favorite wrestler, Bob Armstrong came into the ring for his match. Eddie was overjoyed to say the least. Bob Armstrong's opponent was the Outlaw Ron Bass - 6' 9" tall, 270 pounds, and had horseshoes on his butt.
The match started, and like all "bad" guys in wrestling, Ron Bass cheated. And won.The crowd booed. Eddie was livid. Remember, he thought it was real. Eddie was beside himself. I'd never seen him so upset.
Out of the ring came Ron Bass, his manager, his floozy, and a couple of local policemen. The crowd was roaring it's disapproval, and Ron Bass taunting the crowd.
Down the aisle they came, Ron Bass in the lead. Eddie was beside himself. As Ron Bass started to pass us by, Eddie suddenly jumped up in his chair (remember, he was in seat one, right by the aisle, and was barely 5' tall on a good day), balled up his fist, and HIT Ron Bass right in the chest just as hard as he could.
The crowd roared. Ron Bass stopped and scowled at Eddie. And Eddie proceeded to pound Ron Bass on the chest, over and over, with each punch he was saying something, mostly profane, and mostly about what Eddie was going to do to him.
I was stunned.The crowd got louder. Ron Bass scowled deeper. The policemen accompanying him didn't know what to make of it. His manager was taunting Eddie, knowing that this would enrage him more. And Eddie continued to pound and pound on Ron Bass's chest, each punch complete with profanities.
You know, to this day, I can still remember the one thought that was going through my head as all this was happening ... no matter what happens, they HAVE to give me one phone call. I was dreading that phone call.
After what seemed like an eternity of punching and swearing, with the crowd getting louder with each punch, Eddie finally stopped. He stood there on his chair, still not as tall as Ron Bass, spit dripping from his mouth, his face beat red, shaking with anger, as enraged as he was.
Ron Bass played it to the hilt. After Eddie stopped his barrage, Ron Bass looked at him, scowled harder, then stepped back and smiled, blew Eddie a kiss, and continued walking down the aisle with his entourage.
Eddie was FURIOUS. He hopped out of his chair and chased Ron Bass down the aisle.
I ran after him and caught him. I wrapped my arms around him (no easy feat considering Eddie was still flailing), and picked him up ... and the 10,000 or so fans in the Civic Center booed ME!
I never took Eddie to any more wrestling matches. I'm just glad the Dallas Cowboys never came to town.
About This Story's Author:
Jim Spence shared the about himself: "I've been writing music for years and have just recently started writing short stories. I have an obtuse view on life, and believe that laughing everyday will let you live longer." You can find more of his work at Heart With Soul and NiceStories.com.
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