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Stepfather Once Removed [6 parter] by John Sheirer

Some family-theme events, and memories we have, are not always the knee-slapper or laugh-a-minute variety. John opens the door for us to have a glimpse into his life by sharing a wonderful reflective, and sentimental, essay about his past. And then shares, with Humor Is Relative readers, about when relationships fail. Tender and heart-felt in wording his memories, about becoming close to another person and - subsequently - certain members of that person's family, with the right touches of humor interjected. appropriate, in my opinion, for sharing as the year draws to an end and we prepare for a new one's beginning. This one is a doozy, over 5,000 words in length, so was split into individual pages for reading ease.

When I was a child, I once overheard my mother talking about a distant relative. She described him as a "third cousin once removed." I was actually a little frightened by this description. "Cousin" I understood. "Third" I figured meant he wasn't a really close cousin. But "once removed" had me stumped and even a bit frightened. Why had he been removed? What had he done that was so bad he got kicked out of the family? Removed to where? Wherever it was, it didn't sound like a nice place. Even though Mom explained at the time what all this meant, I didn't understand it then, and I don't really understand it now, truth be told.

More than three decades have passed, and I've become "once removed" in a different kind of family relationship. Not long after my divorce, I got involved with a woman who had two children. My ex-wife and I had never had children. We spent our time slowly getting our careers established and enjoying what we saw as the benefits of being childless-you know, more time with each other, for all the good it did us. So I re-entered the single world in my mid- (okay, closer to late-) thirties with very little experience with young children.

But when I started dating, the first object of my affection was a woman named Amy who had two daughters, a two-year-old named Suzie and a five-year-old named Linda. Amy and I had been acquaintances for a while, then we discovered we were both going through divorces at the same time. We both knew it was kind of a bad idea to get involved so soon, but we started seeing each other anyway, and eventually (okay quickly-I don't claim to have any sense about women), we fell in love.

I had the advantage of already having met her children, so there was no awkward first meeting to introduce "Mommy's new friend." The first time I was around the children after I began seeing Amy was when she and the girls came for a visit to my office in the middle of the afternoon. Two-year-old Suzie was very open and curious about me, but five-year-old Linda eyed me with some suspicion because she was old enough to know that I was the first man her mother "liked" after her father moved out. While Amy and I talked, the two girls played on the office floor (which was clean, by the way).

After about five minutes, Suzie ... well, how to say this? ... She pooped quite a noisy stinker in her diaper. Ironically enough, she was only about a month away from being completely potty-trained. As the sound echoed through my office and the cloud of funk rolled up to our noses, Amy looked at me with a face that said, "Oh, Lord, I'm never going to see this man again." But she was wrong. After trying to hold myself back for a few futile seconds, I burst out laughing. Amy quickly followed, and Linda let down her guard long enough to share an eye-roll and "I-can't-believe-what-Suzie-did-this-time" smile. Finally the little pooper herself laughed harder than the rest of us. To this day, I'm not sure why our eyes watered so much-the laughter or the stink.

The relationship moved along nicely. I saw Amy's children for a few moments now and then, and they seemed to develop a curious sort of liking for me. After a month or so, I came to Amy's house for our first "family dinner" together. The girls were unsure what to make of the fact that I helped Amy clear the table after dinner, something their biological father had never done. I also talked to them as if they were real people, another skill their father hadn't developed.

After dinner, I somehow ended up in a room alone with Suzie. To my horror, she immediately took off all of her clothes [ed.]. I very calmly [ed.] called for Amy then developed an intense interest in an oil lamp that sat on a shelf in the room. I stared so hard at that oil lamp for the next few moments that I still have the image of the thing burned into my brain right now. Fortunately, Amy was familiar with Suzie's propensity for nudity and fascination with body parts, and she got a big kick out of my discomfort while she helped Suzie back into her clothes.

(It occurs to me that if this essay ever gets published, and years form now a teenaged Suzie is browsing through a bookstore, sees this book on the shelf, recognizes my name, and opens the book to this essay, she will be completely mortified. I'm sorry Suzie, but take heart in the fact that I've left many of your other exploits out of this essay. I think you can remember some of the more entertaining antics you participated in during your formative years. Or do you need a gentle reminder? For example, who locked herself in a closet and cut off most of her own hair one rainy afternoon? Of course, if Linda ever reads this essay, I'm sure she'll just say, "Yeah, that's Suzie.")

Stepfather Once Removed - Part 2 of 6 parts

About The Author: John Sheirer teaches public speaking, writing, and literature at Asnuntuck Community College in Enfield, Connecticut. His writing has been published widely in print and on the internet, and he is the author of a public speaking guidebook, Shut Up and Speak!, a collection of poems, Saying My Name: Selected Poems, 1982-2002, and a book of essays, Free Chairs. He is currently completing a memoir, Growing Up Mostly Normal in the Middle of Nowhere.

Humorous Book Recommendations:             [ view all ]
Free Chairs[John Sheirer; 224 pages]
Did you enjoy the excerpt, Stepfather Once Removed, from Free Chairs? Then you may be interested in reading John's other heart-warming and thought-provoking essays contained in this collection! Can you relate?

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--Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.
--Zsa Zsa Gabor [The Observer 'Sayings of the Week', August 16, 1987]

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Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception.
--Alan Bennett Getting It On

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