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Husband, My Husband by Claudine Lewis

My mother always told me as a child "the pen is mightier than the sword". Which means, looselylated, to be careful what you write down on paper. You never know when someone may find that piece of paper and read it! Claudine also heard this saying, apparently, and always remember to have the sugar bowl next to the inkwell?

Thud!

That was the sound of my husband's elbow making contact with my eye in the middle of the night. I couldn't really get a good night's sleep after that so I guess that explains why I need to take a nap right now.

For the marriage uninitiated this is just a tiny drop in the ocean of wedded woes. The warning is there even in the beginning if you look hard enough. Why else would he step on your toes during your first dance if he claims to love you with all his heart? I'll tell you why – coz that's what guys are all about! You start to wonder why you just couldn't get a nice pet instead.

Now mind you, I'm not the kind of girl who's just begging for trouble. But I did almost hang myself a couple of years ago. No need to get into that now. Anyway, I decided I'd get my feet wet again. So I did and this time in the forever and ever variety. And here I am writing about the last six months.

Lots of things change once you tie the knot. For some unearthly reason everything you do centers around his life. The other day we were chatting with his sister on the phone and she commanded me to stop serving him ice cream and waiting on him hand and foot. She was apparently jealous that she didn't have anyone to do the same for her. Well I've got news for you sister-in-law – You never will!!! The cosmos will see to it. It is not natural for the man to serve the woman. If that happened, it would be the end of the world, as we know it. The natural way means that peace reigns and everyone will be happy.

When I think of the absent-minded professor, I think of my husband. Don't rely on him to do things on time, or remember something you said last week, or ... anything! I find myself repeating things to him more often that I did when I was in school and trying to swot for an exam where the subject matter didn't make sense.

Don't expect him to notice anything new about yourself. One day he gave me this heart made of some kind of stone. Now usually, I wear small and delicate looking jewelry, but this was comparatively huge. But of course if your sweetheart gives you anything it's automatically the prettiest thing you ever saw. So I wore it the next day and expected him to notice it immediately given that it wasn't exactly the smallest stone you ever saw. However, I should have realized that men are blind. He noticed after about 6 hours.

“Sigh”.

Of course, men also think that because they don't notice what other people are wearing, others won't notice what they are wearing. Which must be the reason why my husband owns just three gray t-shirts and insists on wearing the same green shirt on more formal occasions, even though he has other shirts too.

Now earlier I mentioned that men are blind. Well that's not entirely true. You see, it's selective. They have the keenest eyesight when it comes to a busty girl on the street or on TV. I've given up being miffed at that.

After all men are known to be immature and I console myself by telling myself that even if I don't have a great figure, I probably have a better brain than Miss Perfect Ten.

Men and their gadgets. He recently wanted to check out home theater systems and insisted on dragging me with him. He looked at every kind there was and then looked again. I got very good at twiddling my thumbs and staring into space when he used Greek and Latin to describe each feature. I am currently plotting my revenge by making an extensive list of department stores to drag him to and try on everything they have before selecting one item.

Now I'm being too hard on my husband. After all is said and done I do love him dearly and I wouldn't trade him in for anything. Well, maybe a gazillion dollars.

I can hear the key turning in the lock which means the object of my affections is home and will probably read this soon. Hence the above sugarcoated ending.

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The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love
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The Queens are back! This time Jill and her cohorts in crime - or is that cohorts in crowns? - shares their observations and thoughts about relationships, dating, and love. Oh my! Can you relate?

Marriage is like vitamins; we supplement each other's minimum daily requirements.
-- Kathy Mohnke

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Humor Is Relative thanks Cay Dickson, from Houston Chronicle, for the compliment!

I generally had to give in.
~- Napoleon Bonaparte (speaking of his relationship with Empress Josephine)

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Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
-- Helen Rowland

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Don't marry a man to reform him-- that's what reform schools are for.
-- Mae West