Valentines' Day: When The Honeymoon Is Over by Terry Lerdall-FittererAfter couples marry it is expected for a level of "comfort" to develop between the two partners. What else, but this 'comfort level' can explain why a husband would, humorously and perhaps a tad erroneously, starts thinking the wife will find it more romantic to receive a Black & Decker® drill versus a black negligee or a red Dirt Devil™ vacuum says "I love you" better than dozen red roses? If you ask me, Valentine's Day is a little overrated. I say this after much deliberation...and because I'm married. I thought after all these years maybe it was just my imagination, but now I am fully convinced that some form of aura enveloped my husband-to-be that day inside the church as we spoke our wedding vows. Something that took the shape of a cupid with sharp, pointy horns and whispered in his ear, "In 10 minutes you'll own her...the buck stops here." Now that I think about it, I did notice a peculiar smirk on his face right before the 'I do's'--I thought it was me he was envisioning in a sexy, black negligee. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't expect the same sort of gifts today that I received back then. Those days were filled with wild lust and all kinds of animalistic type thoughts--the fantasies that drove a man at high speeds to the nearest department store to purchase fur jackets, jewelry, and unique little items with diamond chips in them. Of course, passion has no dollar sign in front of it. But on the other hand, I wasn't expecting some of the strange and unromantic gifts that came later, either. For the marriage uninitiated this is just a tiny drop in the ocean of wedded woes. The warning is there even in the beginning if you look hard enough. Why else would he step on your toes during your first dance if he claims to love you with all his heart? I'll tell you why – coz that's what guys are all about! You start to wonder why you just couldn't get a nice pet instead. I have this flaw that tends to drive my husband crazy...I like to know what it is that he's given me. One time he brought home a bottle of something or other and when asked if I liked it I replied, "How do I know? It sounds like something you spray on your car radiator." Turns out it was perfume, but to this day I still refer to it as Eau de Motor Oil being it had an aroma not unlike Penzoil. Then, a few years back came my favorite--a miniature tool kit. I'm sure the sentiment was there but something definitely was missing. (Like a dozen roses, something satiny and see-through or anything shiny that could cut glass.) As I opened this treasure-trove, the only thing I could think of to say was, "Look Mr. Romance--if you feel this trapped, why don't you just chew off your leg and scamper away!" I honestly don't think men bother to take the time to delve into the dark recesses of the female mind. It's probably for the best...I swear once mine got inside there I'd never let him back out again. Not a bad idea--at least I wouldn't have to worry about the element of surprise next Valentine's Day. About This Story's Author:Terry Lerdall-Fitterer "Being as one is somewhat obligated to write a short biography of their colorful, glamorous and mind-boggling self, I would love more than anything to give you a most impressive one-but unfortunately, cannot. The reason being, I am a writer. One who is middle-aged, broke, searching for an editor who will appreciate my work and actually pay me for it, and still trying to figure out just who to schmooze to get my column in a newspaper- any newspaper!" "I have been published in most of the small press, some newspapers, magazines, and am currently appearing in Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine with my humorous, murder poems. How sick is this?" "Read, enjoy and most of all, don't hold my true, but dysfunctional lifestyle against me!" Humor Is Relative's Top 12 Popular Stories:
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Sales Ad at a Store: "You are my one and only" valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, "Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!" Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Think you have a funny story about your family, or moments in parenting, that our readers may enjoy? Review Humor Is Relative submissions guidelines & submit your story! Who knows, we just may like it! I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
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