.... where family is the source of humor!

Corn Muffin by Pat Carey

Every family has a quirky story that, no matter how many times it has been told, the story-teller is unable to keep a straight face. Yes, the memory remains that vivid and fresh! Pat Carey shares about such a family story, and its effects on the story teller, with readers of Humor Is Relative through this exerpt from his book Growing Up Irish Catholic. Let's all welcome the first professional stand-up comedian within our contributor's midst!

"I'm not gonna laugh at a box." My mom stares blankly at the TV.

"But you think this show is funny?" I persist.

"Yup, very funny, but it's still just a box. It just seems silly to me to laugh out loud at a box."

My mom has a strange sense of humor. She'll laugh out loud at a comedy show, but not a tape of it. Mostly she enjoys live theater, or reality theater, like watching my dad. Her favorite episodes are situations where my dad runs into a conflict or minor injury and then hilarious hijinx ensues. I have seen her sit quietly in the living room while others wail and moan at our small electric box. Sometimes boxes can be funny, maybe as a box of ice cream my dad forgot to put in the freezer, or a large box that he could trip over.

But I have never seen my mom more entertained than when she tells and retells the story of my dad and the corn muffin. It's like The Little Match Girl or 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. We'll gather round the fire to hear yet another rendition of Dad and the Corn Muffin. I picture the children's book my mom will write. The cover has my dad looking off to the side, shaking his head, the frustrated straight man. His partner, the corn muffin, is a smiling disney costume, a giant, bloated styrofoam muffin with skinny arms and legs poking out.

The story always takes a while to get going, as my mom bursts out lines in between fits of laughter. My parents are on the road, making good time to somewhere and living for the day off a bag of muffins and donuts. The supply is getting short and my dad's stomach growls. He looks to his stomach, then to my mom. "Honey, I'm hungry, should we stop somewhere to eat?"

"No, we've only got a couple more hours. Besides, we still have muffins left."

"Yeah, but all we have left is a corn muffin. I don't think I like corn muffins."

My mom rolls her eyes. "Of course you do. You eat corn bread. It's the same."

"I don't think so."

"If you squished corn bread into a muffin pan you'd get the same thing. You like it. Just eat it."

"I think I tried one the other day, and -"

"Just eat it. You don't know what you like."

At this point in the story, my mom usually has to take a quick break as narrator to catch her breath, laughing and coughing already before the story is really even underway. She calms herself and then continues. My mom rips the muffin in half, and gives him half. She breaks from the story, "I told him to eat it, and so he did; he took the corn muffin and had a bite of it." My mom is chuckling because my dad is doing what she suggested.

My dad will usually interject in this part of the story - "For some reason, your mother thinks it's hilarious that I trust her and take her advice."

My mom nods, cracking up and continues with the story. My dad takes a bite and looks back at my mom like he was misled. "This muffin tastes bad. I don't like it."

"Honey, it's a corn muffin. That's what corn muffins taste like."

"It tastes gross," my dad protests.

"Don't be ridiculous, it's just because you want it to be blueberry. Just keep eating it, you'll get used to it. You like it, it's a corn muffin."

Now my mom can barely get the words out as she remembers the moments that followed. The hilarity builds for her before her audience has seen any cause for it. She focuses and stammers on. Then he took another bite.

My dad is still unimpressed. "This muffin is disgusting. It takes like cigarettes."

"Honey, now you're being crazy. Your imagination is taking over, that's what corn tastes like. Just eat it."

My dad took another bite, and then another.

"So corn tastes like cigarettes?" my dad asks.

"You don't know what cigarettes taste like. The flavor you're tasting is corn. My mom shakes her head, "Cigarettes," and my parents share a moment, curling their upper lips at their hatred of cigarettes.

My dad takes one last bite, makes a dry gagging sound and spits something back into his hand. My parents stare together at a chewed up, corn-meal covered cigarette butt resting in his palm.

Through heavy breathing and now tears, my mom struggles to put forth the epilogue. Laughing hysterically, she considers the odds stacked against my dad. "The guy probably put one butt in a whole bucket of batter, and we get the one muffin . . . and dad gets the half of muffin with the butt in it."

My dad plays the straight man, shaking his head as family members join in the torture, calling him the butt of that joke and then calling that a corny cigarette joke.

The last page of the children's book has another picture of my dad with the corn muffin. His big styrofoam friend has a few bites out of him, but he's still smiling as he smokes a cigarette. My dad is next to him vomiting up something. In the background, along the horizon is a faint image of my mom bent over. Is she kneeling down, begging forgiveness? No, she's doubled over with laughter, holding her knees together and trying not to wet her pants.

Humorous Book Recommendations:             [ view all ]
Growing Up Irish Catholic, and Surviving My Mom's Eleven Sisters
[Patrick Carey, 208 pages]
'Corn Muffin', shared here at Humor Is Relative, is an excerpt from a collection of humorous memories about Patrick's childhood and family - including having 11 aunts! Those among us, from large families, can you relate?

Cough and sneezes spread diseases.
-- 1942 UK wartime health slogan

Humor Is Relative thanks Cay Dickson, from the Houston Chronicle, for the compliment!

You may give gifts without caring -- but you can't care without giving.
-- Frank A. Clark

Think you have a witty story about your family, or moment being a parent, that our readers will enjoy? Review Humor Is Relative submissions guidelines and submit your story! Who knows, we just may like it!

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
-- Sophia Loren Women And Beauty

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They do certainly give very strange and new-fangled names to diseases.
-- Plato [c. 427 BC - 347 BC]