Short-Cut to Drama by Erica Stux
Parents want to spend every minute possible with our children to create memories for later. On the other hand, parents sometimes like to have five to ten minutes, of alone time
, to do simple things - without an audience. This can lead to a humorous quandry for parents ... as Erica shares in the following story!
Moths have their sex attractants. My husband has a child attractant. It's called shaving cream, and the smell of it seems to attract them from all over the house, no matter what they are doing at the moment. It so happens that Bob is an old-fashioned guy when it comes to shaving, in that he like a safety razor, and a new-fashioned guy in child-rearing, in that he does not like to interfere with childish pleasure. So whenever he gets ready to shave, he finds a juvenile audience quickly assembled in the bathroom.
"If you want to watch, no arguments," he warns them. "In fact, no talking!"
He lifts the razor to one cheek.
"Ashley's pushing me," says Tim, age five. "Quit pushing!"
"I am not! You pushed first anyway. Now don't talk or Daddy will cut himself." After a moment, "Did you cut yourself yet, Daddy?"
He grunts in a negative sort of way as he rounds the corner of his chin and heads into the straightaway.
"I'd better get some tissues," says our little candidate for Future Nurses of America. she reaches over and yanks off a sizable strip of toilet tissue.
"You haven't cut yourself yet," she says in a tone that betrays a distinct feeling of disappointment.
Bob is now on his upper lip. One of the children hiccups.
"I need a drink of water," says Tim.
Bob lifts the razor just as Tim jostles him while reaching for the faucet. Whew! that was close! As he returns to his upper lip, which is now a little stiffer, he feels something soft at his ankle. It is Mitten, the family cat, who has come to join the fun.
"I'll get her. Come here, Mitten." Tim scoops her up, and at that moment Bob draws blood.
"You cut yourself, Daddy!" says Ashley, sounding a little too gleeful. "Here's a tissue."
The doorbell rings.
"That must be Betsy. I'll get it."
Ashley departs with a hop, a skip, and three jumps. In a moment she's back with a blond child that Bob has never seen before.
"We were just watching Daddy shave. Wanna watch too? Oh, Daddy, you cut yourself again!" This time she sounds reproachful.
"Now get out, all of you!" Bob bellows, as blood trickles down his chin. "Go watch Betsy's father shave!"
I tell him later that in the future he should charge admission.
About This Story's Author:
Erica Stux is the author of many published poems and articles, and several books. She likes to write about the absurdities of life, both as prose and as light verse. She is the mother of three grown children, and currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband Bill Shore.
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[Jeff Foxworthy; 239 pages]
Although the language is slightly colorful Jeff shares not only his humor but also glimpses into his life - his parents divorce, practical jokes he and his brother pulled, and more. I found this book on a discount shelf . . . and my husband thought I was silly buying it. Poor guy, later found himself eating those words as he kept having to pause to catch his breath from laughing so hard.
Indexed Humorous Family Stories Submissions:
2001 __ 2002 __ 2003 2004 2005 2006The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.
-- Kendall Hailey The Day I Became an Autodidact
Humor Is Relative thanks Cay Dickson, from the Houston Chronicle, for the compliment!
There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching night and day;
There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say;
There are little hands all eager to do everything you do,
And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be like you.
-- Edgar A. Guest (1881-1959)
Think you have a witty story about your family, or moment being a parent, that our readers will enjoy? Review Humor Is Relative submissions guidelines and submit your story! Who knows, we just may like it!
Passing school zone
Take it slow
Let our little
shavers grow.
-- Burma Shave (roadside advertisement)
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Pity all
The Mighty Caesars
They pulled
Each whisker out
With tweezers.
-- Burma Shave
